are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
