my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
