then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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