No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
