hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
