a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Four minutes until I can fart!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
