Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(517): View more from Michigan

i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...

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(907): View more from Alaska

I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.

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(256): View more from Alabama

IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.

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(727): View more from Florida

So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.

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