My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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