Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
