Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
