I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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