She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
