i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
