I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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