we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
