I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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