i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
