I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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