so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
