My Higher Power is John Stamos
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I am morally bankrupt
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
