it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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