I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
