recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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