I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
