A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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