Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
