Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
