i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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