imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
