I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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