Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
