today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
