I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
