Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
