I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
