Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
