i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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