listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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