it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
