It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm at about main and main street
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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