Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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