I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
