3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
