Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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