Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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