He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
