Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
