There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
