And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
