I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
