Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
